Anger – How to safely manage it and use it to your advantage

Direct and Indirect Anger Expressions:
Direct Anger- Often when expressed lead to comments such as “It only makes things worse”- Can make things worse in short term but better in long term- Often bad results come from it not being entirely expressed- Constructive whilst having the need to destroy – division of energy between opposing goals-Self opposition perpetuates anger- To express, must give up constraints (barring violence)- Must be willing to be angry rather than fairIndirect-Passive aggressiveness-Does not work-Leads to inauthenticity.Cultural handling of anger – variances– Adults often use learned ways of handling anger that do not work- In our culture (West), do not allow ourselves to be angry and express anger at the same time.- Therefore, we do not get over it quickly.- Told we can only be angry if we are right, otherwise, keep it hidden.- Denial is ineffective to anger however.- Perception warps and anger is stockpiledDisplacement– If anger is not expressed directly, it is not experienced directly.- If not experienced, anger does not go away- This breeds resentments and leads to imaginary conversations and frustrations leading to more anger.- This can be more dangerous – like poison.- Resentment however is deemed more acceptable in society.- We are taught to avoid anger and therefore resentment things – leading to gossiping, complaining etc.Undoing anger suppression– People do try and try to become less angry, through therapy or acknowledgement of it.- Direct anger confrontation with the offending person often leads to more resentment.- Therefore there is a need for radical truth and expressing resentment directly – telling the truth to anger with all the reasons why you feel this way and have led to this point.Telling truth to anger for forgiveness– This involves explaining how you feel, while you feel it.- This allows you to feel it and dissipate it at the time without resenting and avoids lies from it- You need to fully be aware of how you feel, your whole bodily experience and current state of being in order to do this properly. This will allow one to get over it.- Sometimes anger can be from previous resentments which have come up due to similarities in the person you are dealing with to the previous resentment. By explaining why you feel a certain way, you can de-tangle yourself from those feelings and understand that the people are not the same.-This can lead to sessions in all types of relationships where you can discuss what is troubling you and the other person and work together to avoid doing things that cause anger. Without the knowledge of what one is doing wrong, you cannot move past it.Upset vs Angry– Normally people are happy to express being upset but not anger.- Most people cannot even identify anger.- Therefore one must accept that their unhappiness and the way that they are feeling is anger and express that to a person.- Things like gossiping/breaking promises and self condemnation can be examples of anger manifesting.- Self condemnation is not a virtue, it is hidden and insidious.- Perfectionism can also be anger – as it leads to anger against others when they are not as perfect.- To love, you must share who you are and how you feel.Rationalizing Anger– It is not enough to forgive and forget. This leads to resentment if not properly expressed.- Ideas that the person must be suffering themselves or similar does not lead to the root cause.- To truly forgive, one must explain what caused the resentment.- Deciding yourself to treat a person in a certain way due to where you think they are coming from only suppresses anger.- This can lead to the feeling of superficiality in a relationship.Being ‘Right’ when angry– We are often angry about things, even when we are in the wrong about that to start with.- We must therefore express anger even if deemed irrational to let go of it and create more rational feelings.- We are psychological beings, not rational ones.Fairness/Forgiveness (not the same!)– being fair does not mean you are forgiving. It also does not always lead to the best outcome for people- Being equitable is better. Allowing the anger to come and pass leads to better results for everyone.- Being able to express anger also leads to true forgiveness – holding grudges will not likely even affect the other person, only you.- Not being able to express the equability leads to carrying these feelings to others even if you do not have contact with the original person.Fear of consequences– Expressing anger may lead to some negative consequences, but they will be outweighed by the positive ones when expressed.- Holding in resentment may not have the initial negative consequences but it can lead to worse outcomes which may put your own health at risk.- It is likely that the outcomes from expressing anger will be more positive than you think.- Fear of expressing holds people back and stops them taking risks, which can lead them to end up in a place they are very unhappy in but do not feel brave enough to bust out of.- This, therefore, leads to the bringing about of those negative consequences worried about in the first place.Fear of Relationship destruction– There is a fear to express anger to loved ones.- However, this can lead to not being fully present with them, leading to breakups- It is a form of trying to control the other person’s behaviour which is not something you can control.- Having the air cleared is more constructive and can allow for conversations that strengthen relationships.- This allows you to relate to the person and not just your ideas about the person.Explosive Anger– Anger often becomes explosive if bottled up- Often people who do not let out their anger will have to start by expressing it intensely. The more this is done, the less intensely the anger will be felt.- this will allow the person to change their anger from destructive to usable.- However noisy anger may not be true anger. Over expression can cover other feelings.- This ‘false’ anger will never subside as it is hiding things.- People who express their feelings like this need to understand what they are hiding and try to express that instead.How to forgive1) You need to tell the offending person exactly what has caused the frustration2) You must not constrain the expression of this3) You must be aware of your feelings as you express this anger4) You must also express appreciation if it comes up for the other person with the same diligence as the anger5) You have to stay with the other feelings that come up without judging yourself6) The discussion must continue until there is no more resentment.This will allow you to then talk about the future.Tips on expressing anger– Talk to the person to their face when angry. This allows non-verbal communication to take place and you can react better.- Structure sentences around the feelings that have been felt. This makes it personal and shows that it is your feelings, which you are responsible for- Use the present tense as you feel this way -now- not you have felt this as it gives a false impression of forgiveness.- Be specific in the anger, understand why this behaviour caused anger, therefore the person can learn if they are open to it.- Focus on what actually happened. You are responsible for your expectations and disappointment.- Stay present with your feelings to allow you to truly experience and then let go of anger- Stay with the person past the time it takes to exchange this. This will allow you to mend relationships and start explaining what you appreciate.